The question people ask me the most is, how do I know my purpose? Why was I born? What is my assignment? These are all the questions I struggled with for years until God and I went on a journey and is still on a journey. I always ask God to help me explain things so even a baby can understand because people have made God so difficult. He tells us to come Him as little children. Which means innocent and you know absolutely nothing. No matter how much you think you know.
First of all, you have to accept there is a God. There can’t be any maybes or I’m not sure. There has to be no doubt in your mind that God exists and He is in complete control. He is not the universe, Budda, or Muhammad or anything that is created. He is the Creator. For me, He is the Trinity. The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Think about an egg. It has a shell, yolk, and egg white. Three in one. That is a way to look at the Trinity. You have to believe He created you. That He took the time to create everything about you. Your face, hair, personality, style, and creativity. He designed you for a particular assignment on earth because He wants to tell a story and you are one of His characters. You were created is not about you but about Him, you just get the benefits because you submit your will to His will. This is where your free choice comes in. You are not obligated to accept Him. He is a gentleman and He pushes Himself on no one. This is why I still love people who do not believe what I believe because they do not have to. They have the right to believe whatever they choose. Once you accept His will for your life the journey begins.
You are like a Black Credit Card. The reason why I chose a black credit card because it is a different credit card from all other credit cards. There are no limits on this credit card.Once this credit card is activated you have everything you want in life. Nothing is off limits. This black credit card is you. Everything you need is in you. Your family, friends husband, wife, money, and assignment. The problem is although you are the credit card you have no access to those things until the card has been activated. The Creator does not activate the card until you have passed certain requirements. Such as obedience, submission, serving others, being serve (power), accountability, morality, confronting one’s self, love, can handle criticism without getting offensive, a good steward of money, health, spiritual life. You stand for the truth according to the word of God, and the main one is that you must have a one on one relationship with Him. Your relationship and understanding with Him cannot be base on someone else relationship with Him. This is why it is called a personal relationship with Him. These are just some of the things. So until God activates you, you have to live with limits while you are on this journey until you understand it’s not about you but about Him, and no one gets His glory, and you will not use your power to hurt or manipulate people or use it for personal gain. So you may find yourself going through a particular test over and over again. You must learn to master it because it’s crucial to your assignment and activation. So, accepting Him is the first step and to believe you have made the right decision for yourself without reservation.
The whole world is full of hurting people. A person who never heals goes from one stage of life to another carrying the same hurt that usually stems from childhood issues. Adults with childhood issues have all types of dysfunction. which leads to a generational cycle. This child grows up to be an adult who inflicts his or her pain on relationships. The relationship can consist of a husband and wife, parents and children, extended family members, and friends. Sometimes they will act out in a way that can be self-destructive, especially if they have unresolved issues. In order to have a productive life, you must be able to have relationships without inflicting your pain onto others. In other words, you must find a way to heal.
How could I possibly think things would turn out differently for me? Who was I to believe that God had a different plan for my life? Why would I believe that everything I had gone through in life would somehow pay off if I just believed and saw God from a different perspective?
I learned so much about church, but not enough about a relationship with God. This was about building a relationship on a strong foundation between the two us, not about what I could get from Him. He had already paid a debt that He did not owe, and anything else I had gotten was a bonus. His sole purpose for coming to Earth was to give everlasting life. If I could not worship and love Him just because He died for me, then there was no need for a relationship with Him. He wanted to spend time with me. He wanted to hear my voice appreciating Him for the friendship that we had. He wanted me to know that He was my friend and that He never had any intention to ever leave me, although I had left Him. He waited for me until I came back and we started off as though I had never left. He wanted us to bond so that I understood His pain, and He understood mine. The most important thing He wanted me to learn was how to see myself the way He saw me.
The 67th Book
It is not your status that determines your characteristics, but life experiences that you go through that will dictate what your dysfunctions will be. If you were a doctor who had been abused and never confronted what happened to you, then you would become an angry doctor. Anger is an emotion that comes from fear.
Life can hit you so hard with things until it makes it difficult for you to bounce back. Some people never bounce back. There is no manual written that gives information on what tests we will face in life or how we should respond to the test. We all express our pain in different ways. The bottom line is we are all adults that have issues that need to heal.
It was my teachers who walked me through my days of struggling, and many times, they were the ones I went to when I was in trouble. If my teachers had not answered the call of being a teacher, I do not know if I really would still be alive. When they were not there, I had a hard time expressing myself. Students become victims of circumstances. That is why it is so important for family and teachers to come together and find a solution in the child’s best interest. When we fight against each other, we create a no-win situation. Every teacher that comes into your life has a role to play whether it’s for a season, or for a lifetime. For every teacher that loved me talked to me, yelled at me, and laughed with me, they pushed me right towards my destiny!
Gossip is so destructive and is a poison that gets into people’s system. It becomes like an infection that needs an antibiotic. A person who does this does so because his/her character had been infected with this disease. If you study these people very carefully, you notice they will never talk about themselves. These people destroy friendships and family relationships because of their need to cover their own inadequacies. The only way you can ever get the real facts is by confronting the person that is involved in the situation and not listening to gossip. It is always better to have facts than fiction. One missed sentence can cause a story to be changed from non-fiction to fiction.
I believe with all my heart that there will come a day when those who have caused so much pain with that little piece between their lips, will be purnished for their hideous deeds. The only way they can be stopped is for us not to get infected by listening and spreading gossip. If we have been infected, we need an antibiotic. We need to close the doors to all negative forces and begin to rebuild a new foundation.
I hated my life and wondered why this God would allow all of this to happen to me. I had cursed that day, just like Job. I fell into the ‘why me?’ syndrome. I felt like I was different from everyone else, and it was hard for me to fit in.
Little by little, I self-destructed through drugs and alcohol. Those incidents stayed on my mind. They played like a recorder over and over on rewind. Once a perpetrator sees the mother is in denial, it is like giving him permission to violate again and again. They are controlled by a spirit that has a need to destroy the innocent and their purpose is to violate a child who is defenseless. The next step is to silence their voice, by threatening or using unspoken language.
My little body being wrapped around a penis, something so big that was being inserted inside of me. The pain that I was going through opened a fresh wound that I had never felt before. Neither did I know what to call it; it was something I had never seen done before. It was not until I was in my teens that I had a name for it. Rape is what it was called.
I began to talk about it to those that would listen and curse those that saw nothing wrong with it. Although I had not done anything wrong, I spent half my life feeling abandoned, misplaced, and having the need to always defend myself.
Getting a divorce carries the same weight as losing someone to death. When you do not grieve properly, those feelings come back to haunt you in one way or another. The feeling of being rejected brings up emotions from when you are a little girl. There is nothing like a woman scorned. She carries a broken heart, a broken dream, and in the midst of this, she carries a child that is in broken pieces.
I wish there were words to explain to you how depression feels. It felt like a constant war was going on in my mind as I carried such a heavy burden. It was so unbearable. I did not know how to put into words all that I was feeling. There was no one there to help me. During this time, it had gotten worse. I would go to bed with it, and I would wake up to it. I had a hard time lifting my head from the pillow. My body would ache from the top of my head to the soles of my feet. I was comfortable with lying in the bed and not washing my body or combing my hair for days at a time. I preferred darkness rather than light.
I always felt that there was a spiritual assassination plot out on my life. It was not that someone was physically trying to harm me, but I always felt this negative feeling that hovered over me. This feeling was driving me down the road to hell along with a few other things. I started to feel trapped in my own body.
When someone asks you, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” No one responds by say ,”I want to commit suicide,” or, “I want to be a drug addict, manic depressive, gang banger, or prostitute.” Life has a way of hitting you with situations that are so hard. If you do not have the tools to make it, you won’t. There is no manual written that gives information on what tests we will face in life or how we should respond to the test. We all express our pain in different ways, the bottom line is, we all become adults with childhood issues that need to heal.
Unfortunately, some experiences leave us with scars, and in order to receive healing, a closer look at them may be required. Having honest conversation about our scars can be extremely beneficial. It isn’t easy to discuss our past hurts, but these conversations invites forgiveness, and hope for reconciliation.
With extreme bravery, I demonstrates the beauty of having genuine ‘hard talks’ that get to the root of issues I experienced in my childhood. In my book each letter is deeply moving. You’ll be inspired to sit and have a little talk with your loved ones too. In the meantime I would love to have a conversation with you.