One day I had come home from the doctor tired of being stuck with needles and having skin drafts. The doctors had performed all types of test on me: Lupus, Aids, and Lyme disease- every single one came back negative. When doctors do not have answers, there is only one other person who does. So, for the first time in a long time, I kneeled down to pray. While I was on my knees, I felt this was the place where God had been waiting for me, as if to say, “Finally, you have given up your will.” I began to have a conversation with Him, as though we started where we had left off years ago. I said, “God, I cannot take this anymore. What do you want from me? I will do whatever you want, just heal my body.” After I prayed, I did not think about it anymore. I had no idea a miracle was about to take place. The 67th Book
We were doing really well, just the two of us, until the day you were touched in the wrong way. Now that we are talking about it, and you have told me when the sexual assault began, I realize that it came at a time when I was already devastated. I was unaware of what was happening at the time, and as a child, you did not know how to explain it. I make no excuse for what happened to you. You needed me more than anything else. Please try to understand that I had no clue as to what was happening to you. I can not believe I missed so much of what you said happened.
When I was growing up and things like this happened, we could not talk about it. We were silenced, and we had no voice concerning the matter. We just went through life as though nothing ever happened. This is a major difference between our generations. There are many things that I have encountered, and I just can not talk about the way you can. Some of what we are talking about is hard for me to face. The 67th book
So, by the age of nine, the predator had gotten to me, and my mother was too occupied with working and making a living. I understand she had to work, and trusting family members and close friends to watch me gave her a sense of security. In the midst of where she was sending me, boys were growing and maturing in their masculinity. Once a perpetrator sees the mother is in denial, it is like giving him permission to violate again and again. They are controlled by a spirit that has a need to destroy the innocent and their purpose is to violate a child who is defenseless. The next step is to silence their voice, by threatening or using unspoken language.
I began to talk about it to those that would listen and curse those that saw nothing wrong with it. Although I had not done anything wrong, I spent half my life feeling abandoned, misplaced and have the need to defend myself. Having been raped made my life a living hell. The emotional trauma of rape and abuse made me feel like a junkie who needed a fix. In order for me to learn the art of forgiveness, I had to believe that it is the obvious things that parents miss
On December 25,2007 a day I will never forget. I entered my mother’s hospital room and the bed was empty. Immediately my heart went to my throat. I thought she had left me. I was told she moved out of intensive care onto another floor. As I began walking down the corridor towards her room, a feeling came over me that I could not explain. It felt as though life had been sucked out of my body, and a cold wind had come across my forehead. As I entered the room, I heard the beat of the machines constantly going at a steady rhythm. I called out to her, “Mom” as I sat by her bedside reverting back to the child that needed her. She and I were having the unspoken conversation that started when I was in her belly. So, I came to a place within myself and kissed her on the forehead and said,”Mom, it’s okay, I know you are tired. Go on and rest.” I gave up my will and let His will be done. Christ wanted her on His birthday to celebrate the reason He came into the world. Christmas has always been different since you have been gone. I am thankful that you and Christ gave me a life I did not deserve.
It was very hurtful to me during the holidays to know my daughter would prefer to be somewhere else. You were feasting with outsiders, while I was having my own festivities with the family that tore us apart. You could not understand how I could break bread with those who had raped and degraded you. You are my daughter, and I should have been sticking up for you. I understand now how difficult it must have been to sit across the table from a predator when you were the victim. If I knew then, what I know now, you two would have never broken bread together. Now I understand where you are coming from. The 67th Book
One of the hardest things in life is to break away from what you know, and who you know, to learn something you do not know. I had to believe that nothing, and no one, I was connected to had the answers, and if they did have the answers, they were not willing to share them with me. Therefore, I had to be willing to start life over again without those that I love and cancel out all the myths that I was told. A second chance is not given by age. It’s given to you when you change your mind and want something different out of life. A person who always wants more out of life will constantly be on the move, learning from their mistakes, and the mistakes of others-trying new things. People who are complacent with life are usually stuck. Anything that is stuck eventually will stink, which means they have lost hope. I decided to invest time in myself and stop giving so much of myself to others, leaving me handicapped. I had to take time and look at all the things that were wrong with me, then take another look at all the things that were right with me. I had to learn how to reconstruct myself from the inside out.
When I arrived, I could not believe what I was seeing. My mother looked as if she had aged overnight. She had lost a considerable amount of weight. Her normal weight was 150 to 160 pounds, but when I saw her she was 123lbs. The condition must have been going on for quite a while, and she failed to mention it. I used to hear old people down south say that a person had gotten senile, but I had never heard the term dementia. How could this have happened?
My plan was to make the best out of the situation and give her the best care one could ever have. All I could do was love her the way she was supposed to love me. That was the strategy God had given me.
I wanted her to experience things that she never had the opportunity to do before Alzheimer’s would take complete control. I felt that just because she could not remember did not mean she could not enjoy the moment.
The question people ask me the most is, how do I know my purpose? Why was I born? What is my assignment? These are all the questions I struggled with for years until God and I went on a journey and is still on a journey. I always ask God to help me explain things so even a baby can understand because people have made God so difficult. He tells us to come Him as little children. Which means innocent and you know absolutely nothing. No matter how much you think you know.
First of all, you have to accept there is a God. There can’t be any maybes or I’m not sure. There has to be no doubt in your mind that God exists and He is in complete control. He is not the universe, Budda, or Muhammad or anything that is created. He is the Creator. For me, He is the Trinity. The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Think about an egg. It has a shell, yolk, and egg white. Three in one. That is a way to look at the Trinity. You have to believe He created you. That He took the time to create everything about you. Your face, hair, personality, style, and creativity. He designed you for a particular assignment on earth because He wants to tell a story and you are one of His characters. You were created is not about you but about Him, you just get the benefits because you submit your will to His will. This is where your free choice comes in. You are not obligated to accept Him. He is a gentleman and He pushes Himself on no one. This is why I still love people who do not believe what I believe because they do not have to. They have the right to believe whatever they choose. Once you accept His will for your life the journey begins.
You are like a Black Credit Card. The reason why I chose a black credit card because it is a different credit card from all other credit cards. There are no limits on this credit card.Once this credit card is activated you have everything you want in life. Nothing is off limits. This black credit card is you. Everything you need is in you. Your family, friends husband, wife, money, and assignment. The problem is although you are the credit card you have no access to those things until the card has been activated. The Creator does not activate the card until you have passed certain requirements. Such as obedience, submission, serving others, being serve (power), accountability, morality, confronting one’s self, love, can handle criticism without getting offensive, a good steward of money, health, spiritual life. You stand for the truth according to the word of God, and the main one is that you must have a one on one relationship with Him. Your relationship and understanding with Him cannot be base on someone else relationship with Him. This is why it is called a personal relationship with Him. These are just some of the things. So until God activates you, you have to live with limits while you are on this journey until you understand it’s not about you but about Him, and no one gets His glory, and you will not use your power to hurt or manipulate people or use it for personal gain. So you may find yourself going through a particular test over and over again. You must learn to master it because it’s crucial to your assignment and activation. So, accepting Him is the first step and to believe you have made the right decision for yourself without reservation.
The whole world is full of hurting people. A person who never heals goes from one stage of life to another carrying the same hurt that usually stems from childhood issues. Adults with childhood issues have all types of dysfunction. which leads to a generational cycle. This child grows up to be an adult who inflicts his or her pain on relationships. The relationship can consist of a husband and wife, parents and children, extended family members, and friends. Sometimes they will act out in a way that can be self-destructive, especially if they have unresolved issues. In order to have a productive life, you must be able to have relationships without inflicting your pain onto others. In other words, you must find a way to heal.
How could I possibly think things would turn out differently for me? Who was I to believe that God had a different plan for my life? Why would I believe that everything I had gone through in life would somehow pay off if I just believed and saw God from a different perspective?
I learned so much about church, but not enough about a relationship with God. This was about building a relationship on a strong foundation between the two us, not about what I could get from Him. He had already paid a debt that He did not owe, and anything else I had gotten was a bonus. His sole purpose for coming to Earth was to give everlasting life. If I could not worship and love Him just because He died for me, then there was no need for a relationship with Him. He wanted to spend time with me. He wanted to hear my voice appreciating Him for the friendship that we had. He wanted me to know that He was my friend and that He never had any intention to ever leave me, although I had left Him. He waited for me until I came back and we started off as though I had never left. He wanted us to bond so that I understood His pain, and He understood mine. The most important thing He wanted me to learn was how to see myself the way He saw me.
The 67th Book